Have you ever walked into a room and felt like you were invisible? Or maybe you’ve felt misunderstood, despite your best intentions? The truth is, much of our communication happens below the surface, through subtle cues that we often overlook. According to behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards, becoming more charismatic and influential isn’t about being a natural extrovert, it’s about learning a hidden language of cues. These cues, sent through our body language, tone of voice, word choices, and even our appearance, significantly impact how others perceive us. https://www.scienceofpeople.com/ 

The Power of Nonverbal Communication

It might surprise you to learn that your brain is 12.5 times more likely to believe someone’s gestures over their words. This is because it’s much harder to lie with our body language than with our words. Liars tend to use fewer gestures because maintaining a disconnect between their body language and words is challenging. This highlights the importance of being aware of your nonverbal signals and how they are interpreted by others.

One of the key takeaways from Van Edwards’ research is that 82% of first impressions are based on warmth and competence. This means that if you can control how warm and competent you appear, you’re already taking care of the majority of the impression you make.

Cues: More Than Just Body Language

Many people think of body language when they think about cues, but there are actually four different channels where cues are communicated. These channels are:

• Body Language: This includes facial expressions, gestures, and posture.
• Vocal Cues: This incorporates tone of voice, pace, volume, and cadence.
• Verbal Cues: The words we choose to use.
• Ornaments: This refers to the colors we wear, jewelry, hairstyle and facial hair.

The power of the words we choose is highlighted by a fascinating study where participants were asked to play a game. One group was told they were playing a “Community game,” while the other group was told they were playing a “Wall Street game“. The trick? Both games were identical. The results were striking: those who thought they were playing the “Community game” shared twice as much of their profits compared to the “Wall Street game” group. This simple experiment proves that the words we use can prime people for a specific behavior and mindset. In the same way, using words that signal collaboration or strategic thinking in email subject lines or calendar invites can cue people to act accordingly.

The Q Cycle: How We Influence Each Other

It’s important to understand that communication is not a one-way street. We send and receive cues which then influence our own behavior in a loop that Van Edwards calls the “Q Cycle”. When someone sends a negative cue, like an eye roll or a scoff, the receiver internalizes it which triggers a fight-or-flight response. This response may result in dilated pupils, an increased field of vision, and anxious behavior. Fortunately, the “Q Cycle” can also work in a positive direction, with positive cues leading to positive interactions.

There is also a chemical aspect to how we influence each other. A study showed that people who smelled sweat from someone skydiving (experiencing fear) had an activation in their brain’s fear response, whereas the smell of sweat from someone on a treadmill had no such effect. This suggests that “we can literally smell fear” and catch it from others.

However, the good news is that you are not at the mercy of the Q Cycle; you can take control of it by labeling negative cues. When you recognize a negative cue, such as a “lip purse,” you can say to yourself “lip purse, I’m good,” This act of labeling helps stop the negative feedback loop and re-empowers you.

Resting Bothered Face and the Importance of First Impressions

Do you have a “resting bothered face”? It’s a very real thing. Some people naturally have a default facial expression that might signal sadness, anger, or tiredness. It’s essential to be aware of your default expression and consciously work to counteract it, especially in first impressions. You can counter a “resting bothered face” by consciously relaxing and opening your face, using makeup techniques, or trying to rest with your face in a slight upward position.

The Magic of “Liking” and Being Likable

Interestingly, the most popular students are often the ones who “liked” the most people. Being a “first liker” and expressing genuine interest in others is an incredibly powerful way to make connections. Three “magic phrases” that are very effective in making people feel liked are:

• “I was just thinking of you.”
• “You’re always so…”
• “Last time we talked you mentioned…”.

These phrases help to counteract the “signal amplification bias” where we believe that others are aware of our positive feelings towards them.

It’s also important to prioritize relationships by thinking of them in terms of 3 levels: acquaintances (general traits), personal (personal concerns, goals), and self-narrative (the story a person tells themself). By using this framework, you can focus on the most meaningful relationships.

Self-Narrative and the Power of Mindset

Your own self-narrative or the story you tell yourself about who you are influences how you see the world. Van Edwards identifies three main self-narratives:

• Hero: Overcoming obstacles.
• Healer: Helping others.
• Victim: The world is against me.

People who think of themselves as “lucky” are more open to opportunities, while those with a “victim” self-narrative tend to miss them. Adopting a growth mindset and taking “small moments of heroism” helps to change a negative self-narrative and positively impact your life.

Hand Gestures: Windows to the Soul

Our hands are incredibly powerful communicators. Van Edwards describes them as “the windows to the soul”. Seeing someone’s open palm makes us feel comfortable, while hidden hands can make us feel uneasy. Competent speakers use their hands to emphasize and outline their points. Effective speakers also use hand gestures significantly more often than less effective speakers, which increases engagement. In fact, a study of TED Talks found that the most viral speakers use an average of 465 hand gestures in 18 minutes, while less popular speakers use only 271.

Vocal Cues: What Your Voice Says About You

Vocal cues also play a significant role in how we’re perceived. Using a downward inflection at the end of your sentences signals confidence, whereas using an upward inflection makes you sound uncertain. You should also avoid the question inflection when stating your name, your price or other important facts, as this can cause people to doubt you. A drop in volume during a presentation often signals anxiety or deception. In contrast, skilled speakers use different vocal tones to emphasize different parts of a conversation, for example, using a specific tone for storytelling, numbers, or important points.

Balancing Warmth and Competence

Charisma is the combination of warmth and competence. Too much competence without enough warmth can make people suspicious, and too much warmth without competence makes someone seem less serious.

Here are five “power cues” for competence:

• The steeple hand gesture
• Maximizing the distance between your earlobes and shoulders
• Making eye contact at the end of your sentences
• Using a lower lid flex (when focusing on something)
• Using a downward inflection (rather than upward)

Here are five “warmth cues”:

• A slow triple nod (to encourage someone to keep talking)
• A slight head tilt (to show you are listening)
• An authentic smile
• A slight lean (to show you are engaged)
• Non-verbal bridges (to create connection)

You should identify whether you are naturally higher in warmth or competence and then focus on dialing up the opposite cues to create better balance.

Intention and Authenticity: The Back Door to Confidence

Intentionality is key to using cues successfully. It’s not about “faking it ‘til you make it,” but rather using cues purposefully to create a better experience for both yourself and others. The way you frame what you are going to say is very important, if you feel confident in what you’re going to say, others will believe you more.

Personal Branding: What Your Cues Say About You

Your personal brand is also a source of cues. This includes not only the colors and style of your clothing, but also the props and background you use in your pictures and videos. You should make sure that these cues match your ideal audience and what you’re trying to achieve. You should also ensure that your profile pictures display warm and competent body language.

Spotting a Liar: What to Look For

While most people are bad at spotting a liar (only 54% accuracy), there are some cues to look out for. These cues are not definitive, but are useful for knowing when to “double-click” or ask for more details:

• Question inflection: A statement that sounds like a question is a signal to ask for clarification.
• A sudden drop in volume: A drop in volume while speaking can signal anxiety or deception.
• Incongruent Nods: A head shake that doesn’t match what is being said can be a sign of deception.
• Disgust: A facial expression of disgust (a crinkled nose and teeth) during a conversation may mean that the person is uncomfortable or untruthful.

The Dangers of Ambivalent Relationships

Surprisingly, the most draining relationships are not the toxic ones, but rather ambivalent relationships, where you are not sure of the other person’s true feelings. Because you are constantly trying to understand the other person’s intentions, ambivalent relationships are mentally and emotionally draining. It’s important to evaluate your relationships and either move them towards more connection or move them out of your life.

Starting Conversations: The Key is Curiosity

Finally, when starting a conversation, don’t overthink it. A simple, “Hi, I’m so and so” is enough to get started. It’s the first question you ask that really matters. Instead of asking boring or generic questions, use a version of the “excitement question” to discover more about the person’s goals and what they find interesting, like “Anything fun and exciting this past weekend?”.

Final Thoughts

The key to developing stronger connections and greater influence is understanding the hidden language of cues and using that language purposefully to create better experiences for yourself and those around you. This means being more intentional in how you communicate verbally and nonverbally, while also being authentic to who you are.

This article is largely focused on the work of Vanessa Van Edwards and her recent podcast interview at this link https://youtu.be/VHUrdELKjDw?si=WQkf1-W-ofuezWpb . Check out that podcast for more great information on communication and charisma!

-Aaron